white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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