dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Randomize
