when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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