She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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