And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
