Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I met the friendliest cop last night
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
