Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
