I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Randomize
