Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
