i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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