can we get nightvision for the apartment?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
