Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
