Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Never underestimate the power of titties
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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