I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
