new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
