He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I got inside last night via doggy door
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
