lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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