im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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