If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
