I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
