Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
