checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
