I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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