I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
