ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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