this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
