Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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