i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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