Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
