No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
