Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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