just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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