Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
