What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
