Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
