First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
