final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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