I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
