So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
