well I can't set my house on fire every night
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
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