I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
