I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
