I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
