So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
