I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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