at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
only you would photoshop your dick
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
