I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
