i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
