i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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