Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
